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Last Known Message from Anonymous Patient who Committed Suicide

The following message is from July 2007 from a Lasik patient who committed suicide due to dry eyes, higher order aberrations, and corneal neuropathic pain. Dry eyes and HOAs were simply declared to be side-effects in the clinical trials for LASIK. No scientific evidence was presented to support that dry eyes and HOAs should not be considered adverse events. Data on corneal neuropathic pain was not gathered at all, despite the fact that LASIK severs all the nerves in the most nerve ending dense tissue in the human body. The identity of the patient is known but is withheld to protect the patient's privacy.

People come and go on the forums. Show up, complain, and disappear. Usually, there are no cures, no success stories. Likely, 99% of them don't kill themselves.

That means the rest of them... the rest of you... find your ways somehow. How? How can you look forward to tomorrow's sunrise when you hate the sun, because light sources and the outdoors are hell on your eyes?

How do you look forward to years, decades when your hopes, dreams, and your very future has been obliterated?

How do you deal with people when everyone thinks you're an asshole? They ask you something, and you don't respond. You're too busy trying to manage the throbbing pain in your eyes to deal with forming a response. How do you deal with the professor who yells at you and says you are the kind of student who is ruining education in this country, because you closed your eyes?

You're not sleeping -- it alleviates the dry eye pain, but what's that to them? They don't care. "You are not allowed to get up and use the bathroom," they say. "Fuck you!" you reply. Can't see a damn thing when you put in the thick tears, and besides, you've got doxy to pop. Bathroom's the best place to do it. Sick of people asking why there's crusty stuff leaking down your face.

You get kicked out of the doctor's office, because "god damn it hurts like a motherfucker" is apparently "not appropriate language." What the hell is appropriate language to describe pain that never goes away? It's enough to make the sanest of men a little crazy and loose with the tongue.

How do you even get from place to place, when you're afraid to even drive to the supermarket, because you just know sooner or later, you're going to make a right turn into a little kid, hidden behind a huge starburst. I asked this question on another board, and no one responded. It seems that LASIK casualties do NOT, in fact, all move to NYC and ride the subway.

How then, do you deal with the "old life" things, like getting a job, getting TO the job, not breaking down, and all the rest?

There's an answer. I know it. The 99% that disappear and don't end up in the obits. They find a way to live with what's left of life, and blend in, invisible, with normal society.

I hear the question all the time. "What the hell are you going to do, man?" I don't know. Those that have made it through the fog are gone, and they leave no answers.

HOA? Tough call. RMS shot up, and spherical abberation went way up too after LASIK. Is that what's causin' it? As you know, surgeons never fess up, so I don't rightly know.

Flap wrinkles? Maybe. Couple docs thought so. Flew out of state, forked over some dough, got it straightened out -- didn't work. Local doc says it's 'cause it was done poorly. Wants to stick stitches in there. Says that'll cure it right up.

I think he's full of it, but like I says, I can't hack this life anymore. I gotta jump into more blade 'n burn, 'cause unlike y'all, I ain't a tough enough nut to live like this for the next 60 years or so.

Sunglasses help a lot. I ain't ever without 'em, and I even wear them indoors a lot, 'cause man do I hate light sources. Darkest I ever found were Oakley 9%s, but even them ain't dark enough so I can drive or anything. Any darker and it's too dark to see at all.

I'm not actually light sensitive, it's just that light bouncing off stuff causes massive starbursts, halos, ghosting, miraging, streaking, yadda yadda. Sunglasses help 'cause they remove some of the light, which means less stuff bouncin' off stuff. I know they work well for a lot of peeps, but for me, they aren't a cure.